he’s doing your taxes
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Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.