Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
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There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food