Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
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My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.