My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.