Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Catercrombie & Fish
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*