Lmao the reply
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If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”