How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*