I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.