The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
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My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
ouch
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Wikigenius
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no