ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
50% Forrest Gump
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??