everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
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Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Gemma Correll
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
my fav colour is also hitler
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.