*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
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I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
do what now??
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me when my alarm goes off
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap