I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.