never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.