Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
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watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I can’t wait!
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
any last words?
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!