Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
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do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldnβt trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touchΓ©…*mouth full of fries* touchΓ©.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Perfection.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, youβll be like βThank God that isnβt mine.β
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: βnine cheesy crunchy chupacabrasβ
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”