I am HOWLING at this
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I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
me opening up to someone
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend