Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
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I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps