*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
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adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad