“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
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My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?