“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
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I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
From Facebook just now…
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch