@RdrJay47

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

@RdrJay47

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

@RdrJay47

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

@RdrJay47

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

@RdrJay47

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

@RdrJay47

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

@RdrJay47

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

@RdrJay47

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

@RdrJay47

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

@RdrJay47

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.