If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
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When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.