I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
You Might Also Like
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.