My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
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#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
crazy
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name