Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
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Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order