Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]