Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
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me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome