I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Boss: How come I don’t see you doing any work?
Me: Because you have no imagination!
My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.
What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.