WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
You Might Also Like
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.