i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
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Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?