@ReticentTurnip

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

@ReticentTurnip

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

@ReticentTurnip

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

@ReticentTurnip

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

@ReticentTurnip

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

@ReticentTurnip

[job interview]
Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness
Me: Well, I don’t really want to do anything

@ReticentTurnip

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora