Banderslack Clamberdorch
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees