1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
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Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
These are my roll models.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Mornin
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.