@Reverend_Scott: 911: What's your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
911: Try to stay calm.
@Reverend_Scott: Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
@Reverend_Scott: [Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you'll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Me: what are ya in for?
Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that's sick
@Reverend_Scott: DOG 911: what's ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN'T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
@Reverend_Scott: [Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
@Reverend_Scott: LUKE: daddy, what's my name from?
ME: it's from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible