@Reverend_Scott: Cop: know how fast you were going?
Cop: what? no 72
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
@Reverend_Scott: [paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
@Reverend_Scott: CAT 911: What's your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
@Reverend_Scott: 911: What's your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
911: Try to stay calm.
@Reverend_Scott: Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
@Reverend_Scott: [Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you'll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Me: what are ya in for?
Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that's sick