I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
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What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I don’t make the rules sorry
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.