It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line