*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
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[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Mornin. * use accordingly
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them