It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra