Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.