I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.