I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.