You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971