No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.