(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.