I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”