I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.