I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.