How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
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3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
had to make it
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
#SuperBowl
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year