i only eat nature valley granola bars in the beds of my enemies.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been batman.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
there was a hot guy at the gas station behind the register and he said insert chip and I acted like I was inserting my bag of chips and he didn’t laugh.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
them: describe yourself in 6 wor—
me: the spaghetti stained tupperware of people